Dear Donna:
As the primary caregiver for my mom, I’ve learned how stressful the holidays can be. This is the third Christmas since my mother moved in with us, and I’m trying to better manage my expectations and my time.
I have two brothers who live close by, but neither has demonstrated a willingness to help. Accepting that and exploring alternatives so my family and I can still celebrate Christmas together is my leading priority. But it isn’t easy.
I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for me. I want to feel joyful, not resentful, during the holidays this year.
Sincerely,
Sharon in Saginaw, MI
Tips to Help Caregivers Enjoy the Holidays
Dear Sharon:
Caring for an aging parent can be a rewarding experience, but also a stressful one, especially during the holiday season. The pressure can be amplified when siblings don’t assist with caregiving responsibilities. I do have a few suggestions that I hope you might find helpful.
- Acknowledge your feelings.
Recognizing your emotions is the first step in coping with caregiver stress. Feelings of frustration, resentment, and loneliness are very common for the primary caregiver, especially when siblings are nearby but do not help. Try to find positive ways to express these feelings. It might be through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking professional counseling.
- Connect with peers.
Having your experience validated can help reduce the emotional weight you carry. Consider joining an in-person or online caregiver support group. Connecting with others who share similar struggles can provide the validation and emotional support you need. Support group members, especially those who reside in your community, might also have ideas for connecting with volunteers or professional caregivers who can lend a hand.
- Communicate openly.
While you might feel pessimistic given your brothers’ previous unwillingness to help, it might be worth having an open conversation. You may feel uncomfortable, but having a frank discussion with your siblings about your feelings and the challenges you face is essential. Approach them calmly, sharing specific examples of care responsibilities and how their lack of involvement affects you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings—e.g., “I feel overwhelmed managing mom’s care alone”—to reduce defensiveness and encourage constructive dialogue.
- Utilize respite care.
If you aren’t successful in convincing your siblings to help, respite care might be a solution to explore. Hiring a home care aide, even for a few hours a week, can significantly reduce your burden. If you’d like to plan a holiday getaway with your own children, respite care at an assisted living community might be the answer. Your mom can stay in a private suite or apartment and enjoy all of the same services and amenities as long-term residents. She might enjoy the opportunity to connect and socialize with peers residing at the community. From fitness programs to craft workshops and movie nights, there are a variety of daily activities to participate in.
- Reframe expectations.
It sounds as if you might already be doing this. Instead of focusing on what your brothers aren’t doing, try to reframe your expectations. Concentrate on what you can control and seek fulfillment in the positive aspects of caregiving, such as the bond you share with your parent. While it’s certainly not easy to accept that siblings aren’t willing to pitch in, learning to do so is probably necessary for your own well-being.
I hope this information allows you to better enjoy the holiday season ahead!
Kind regards,
Donna
Respite Care at Heritage Communities
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