Dear Donna:
For almost 9 years, I have been caregiving for my husband as he has battled cancer. More times than I can count, we have been told the end was near. In the last 2 years, I’ve been by his side constantly. I rarely see anyone except my adult children and grandchildren.
While my husband isn’t a difficult patient, he is demanding. He still sees me as the young and active person I was when he first got sick. In reality, I am exhausted to the point that I feel resentful of him and struggle to find empathy. It pains me greatly to admit that as we’ve been married almost 60 years, and I love him greatly.
Do you have any advice for helping me reset my emotions? Caregiving is such a difficult role.
Sincerely,
Shawna in Muskegon, MI
Rediscovering Empathy and Compassion While Caregiving
Dear Shawna:
First, let me begin by saying what you are experiencing is normal. That’s especially true given the length of time you’ve been a caregiver and how isolated it sounds like you’ve become. Be kind to yourself. You are on a very difficult journey.
Empathy involves more than simply feeling sorry for someone; it’s about understanding their emotions and experiences. Here are some ways to nurture empathy:
- Practice mindfulness: Active listening and staying present can help caregivers prioritize their loved one’s feelings, fears, and joys. One way to rediscover empathy is through mindfulness practices. Taking a moment to breathe and center oneself can create space for compassion. Some caregivers find activities like meditation, walking, and even chair yoga make it easier to remain in a state of mindfulness.
- Connect with a support group: Sharing experiences with fellow caregivers can reinforce empathy. Joining an Alzheimer’s support group or otherwise engaging in conversations with people facing similar challenges creates a sense of community. Hearing similar stories of struggle can remind caregivers they aren’t alone in battling guilt and other difficult emotions. The emotional connections found in a support group can also be beneficial.
- Consider journaling: Journaling can be an invaluable tool for caregivers, offering a space to process emotions and experiences. It will give you an opportunity to reflect on daily challenges, celebrate small victories, and articulate feelings of stress or joy. Writing can help caregivers clarify their thoughts, track their loved one’s progress, and identify patterns in behavior or health. This practice allows caregivers to release pent-up emotions and gain perspective. By documenting the journey, caregivers can find connection, validation, and a deeper understanding of their role.
- Take caregiving breaks: My final, and possibly most important, tip is to accept that you need to take breaks. Many spouses find this tough, but it’s important for your own well-being and your ability to best care for your husband. Try asking your adult children to take turns caregiving for a few hours a week. Use the time to stroll through a bookstore, get a pedicure, have lunch or dinner with a friend, or head to the movies. Then, consider utilizing respite in a memory care community near your home on a regular basis. These short-term care services give caregivers a chance to recharge for a few days or weeks. You’ll know your spouse is in the hands of experienced professionals, which will make it easier to relax.
I hope these tips are helpful to you, Shawna, and allow you to find peace.
Kind regards,
Donna
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