Dear Donna:
My dad has been on his own for about three years now since my mom passed away. During this time, his health has been slowly declining. My sister and I live fairly close to his house and have been trying to assist him whenever and however we can. The catch is my dad is a very proud man. He is adamant that he doesn’t need help, even though he clearly does.
My sister and I are looking for suggestions from experts like you on how to support an aging parent without being perceived as bossy or domineering. Do you have any advice? We would greatly appreciate any recommendations.
Sincerely,
Jeff in Grand Haven, MI
Assisting an Aging Parent While Protecting Dignity and Independence
Dear Jeff:
This is such a tough situation and one that many adult children find themselves trying to navigate. It is so difficult to watch a parent’s health decline and struggle to find ways to help. While there is no magic formula for getting a senior loved one to accept assistance, I can offer you a few suggestions.
- Initiate a conversation with empathy: Approach conversations with your dad from a place of empathy and understanding. Start by expressing your concern for his well-being and asking open-ended questions about his needs and preferences. For example, you might want to say, “Dad, it seems as if you’ve been having trouble with [specific task]. How can I help make that easier? Can we do that together or find someone we can pay to do it?”
- Offer specific, practical help: Instead of making broad statements or assumptions about what your dad needs, offer specific and practical assistance. For instance, suggest concrete ways you can help or hire outside assistance. It could be scheduling doctor’s appointments if the office uses an online platform or finding a local landscaping company. If he’s struggling with grocery shopping, perhaps you could order his groceries online each week for curbside pick-up or delivery.
- Approach support collaboratively: Along the same lines as offering specific types of help is to approach caregiving as a collaborative effort where you, your sister, and your dad each have a voice. Suggest that the three of you work together to create a plan that includes financial decisions, household tasks, personal needs, and ideas for the future. This might help avoid giving your dad the perception that you are trying to take over or boss him around.
- Practice active listening: When you are convinced you know the best solution for an aging loved one’s health and well-being, it can be difficult to sit back and listen. But it is an important step in getting your dad to consider making changes. Listen attentively to his concerns, fears, and preferences without interrupting or imposing your own agenda. Validate his feelings and show you are trying to understand the situation from his perspective.
- Value decision-making: Recognize that your dad has the right to make decisions about his own life, including his health and how he handles his living arrangements. If you are worried that he is making the wrong decision—or no decision at all—try to provide him with additional information and options. In the end, however, you might have to accept and honor his wishes.
- Be patient and flexible: Recognize that caregiving can be challenging and unpredictable. Be patient with your dad and yourselves as you and your sister navigate the ups and downs of caring for an aging parent. Remain flexible and be willing to adapt to changing needs and circumstances. It’s the best way to keep the lines of communication open.
- Express appreciation: Remember to express gratitude to your dad when he allows you or your sister to pitch in and help. When he sees how sincere your gratitude is, your dad may gradually come around to accepting more assistance.
Finally, I want to share an article you might find useful if you feel moving to an assisted living community is the best solution for your dad’s health and safety. “How to Overcome a Parent’s Resistance about Assisted Living” offers suggestions on how to determine the underlying issue that might be causing a senior’s reluctance to make a necessary change.
Kind regards,
Donna