Dear Donna:
My soon-to-be 88-year-old mother has become too frail to live alone. After treating her for minor injuries from several falls, my mom’s doctor has told her it is time to make a change. The next time she takes a tumble, her injuries might cause a permanent disability or even worse.
The problem is that my mom lives in her childhood home. From her church to her favorite restaurants, she is very entrenched in her local community. We can’t seem to convince her that she isn’t safe living alone. I accompanied my mom to her last primary care doctor’s appointment, and it’s obvious from listening to him that this move is a necessity.
I don’t want to take the steps that would be required to force my mom into making this transition. I hope to help her accept that moving to assisted living will allow her to safely maintain her independence. She’ll still have her own private space in an apartment.
Do you have any tips that you can share? Suggestions that you’ve seen other families use, maybe?
Sincerely,
Tina in Holland, MI
Helping a Parent Accept Change
Dear Tina:
The scenario you’ve described is one that adult children frequently find themselves in. Many seniors resist moving to assisted living because they fear losing independence, leaving behind familiar surroundings, or becoming disconnected from their routines and memories.
Approaching the discussion with empathy, patience, and understanding can make the transition easier and help your parent see the benefits rather than only the losses. Here are a few tips for doing that:
- Focus on outcomes: The first step is to focus on safety and quality of life instead of limitations. It sounds as if you’ve already identified how this move promotes independence. Rather than telling a parent what they can no longer do, talk about how assisted living can help them continue enjoying life with more support and less stress. If daily tasks such as cooking, driving, cleaning, or managing medications have become difficult, explain that assisted living provides assistance while still allowing them to maintain as much independence as possible.
- Practice active listening: When you are worried and trying to convince your parent to change their mind, it is tempting to talk over them. That won’t get you anywhere. Remind yourself that listening is just as important as talking. Give your parent the opportunity to express fears, frustrations, and concerns openly. Some seniors worry they will lose privacy or feel isolated in a new environment. Others may fear being forgotten by family members. Acknowledge these emotions instead of dismissing them. Reassure them that moving to assisted living does not mean losing family connections or giving up control over their life.
- Promote the social side: Since you mentioned how involved in the community your mom is, it might be helpful to highlight the social benefits of assisted living. Many older adults living alone experience loneliness and isolation, especially after losing a spouse or close friends. Assisted living communities provide opportunities for social activities, group dining, exercise programs, hobbies, and outings that encourage friendships and daily interaction.
A good place to begin is getting your mom to agree to visit a few communities for tours and lunch. At Heritage, we also invite potential residents and their families to join us for activities. It might help your mom to see firsthand how vibrant life can be in an assisted living community!
Call one of our western Michigan locations to set up a convenient time for your personal visit.
Kind regards,
Donna