by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Aug 2, 2017 | Dear Donna
My father passed away about six months ago, and my mother seems to be struggling with loneliness. My parents always did everything together, from cooking meals to weekly yard work. Now that my dad is gone, my mom isn’t adjusting to single life as well as I’d hoped.
I know she’s still grieving for my dad, and that she misses him a lot. We all do. But I hate to see her spending more time in front of the TV, and less time out doing fun things that would make her happy. I’ve tried suggest that she get out and make new friends, but I don’t want to be pushy.
Do you have any suggestions for things I could try? I would love to get mom back into the social swing of things.
Regards,
Kimberly in Lansing, Michigan
Dear Kimberly,
Thank you for your question. This is a dilemma that many older adults face when they lose a spouse or life partner. For many it feels like they’re starting their social lives over, which can be very daunting. Thankfully, there are lots of options available for jump starting a social life again.
Here are a few things you can suggest that may help your mother.
Helping a Parent Rebuild Their Social Circle
Reconnect with Old Friends
The internet offers wonderful opportunities for reconnecting with childhood friends and staying in town with loved ones near and far. There are several social media sites that would provide your mother with an easy way to find people she may have lost touch with years ago. Facebook is an especially popular social media channel for older adults to connect (and reconnect!) with friends and loved ones.
AARP notes that for adults who didn’t grow up in the ‘digital age,” technology can sometimes be frustrating. For aging loved ones who are hesitant to embrace the digital world, reconnecting with long-lost friends may be a great incentive to get started. If your mother seems reluctant, it may be that she’s not comfortable with her computer. Spending a little time showing her the ropes —including Facebook’s security and privacy settings — could help her get started.
Follow your Passions
Finding others who enjoy the same interests and hobbies is a great way to make new friends. You mentioned that your parents used to cook and do yard work together. Perhaps finding a local gardening club or a baking group would give her a chance to meet others with similar interests.
Ask your Mom if there’s something she’s always wanted to try, like wine tasting, photography or ceramics. Finding new things to try will provide opportunities to meet new people. Sometimes all a new friendship needs to blossom is a shared hobby.
Fitness with Friends
Exercise is critical to staying healthy, particularly as we age. The Mayo Clinic says that we naturally lose both muscle and strength as we age, which is why regular exercise is so important. But exercise is always more fun when you do it with friends!
If your mom doesn’t already have a regular exercise routine, you could suggest that she join a gym. If a gym membership isn’t in the budget, look into local walking clubs or classes offered at your local community center. Many offer a variety of inexpensive exercise classes, like:
- Water aerobics
- Tai Chi
- Gentle yoga
This would offer your mother the double benefit of both regular exercise, and a chance to meet new people.
Keep Other Needs in Mind
Be aware that your mom may still be coping with grief or even depression that can require more than just new friendships to move forward. Losing a beloved spouse is tough, and some seniors need more than just time to heal. If your mom is really struggling to find happiness in daily life, encourage her to talk to her doctor.
Also, daily home maintenance gets harder as we age. With the recent loss of your dad, your mom may be facing new challenges around the house. This could mean more work for her, and less time to socialize. I know it can be a very hard subject to discuss, but if your mom is having a hard time managing alone, it may be time to talk about senior living options in Michigan.
I wish you the best, and hope your mom is able to find fulfilling ways to meet people and make new friends.
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Jul 20, 2017 | Dear Donna
Dear Donna-
With the heat of a Michigan summer upon us, I am struggling with an issue I face every year. That is, my dad just won’t drink much water. I am his primary caregiver and we have this back and forth battle every summer.
When we are outdoors and I try to remind him to drink more water, his response is always the same: “But I’m just not thirsty!”
What can I do to prevent him from becoming dehydrated?
Kind Regards,
Kristina
Preventing Dehydration in Seniors during Summer
Dear Kristina:
Like you, we’ve heard that question more times than we can count from adult children and family caregivers. Keeping seniors hydrated is a common theme among them.
If you’re trying to convince your father to drink water and you’re meeting with resistance, you’re not alone. In fact, that’s a very common excuse among older Americans.
It may be more than just an excuse, however. It might be the truth.
Reminding your father to drink water might not work if forgetfulness isn’t the problem. Since you’ve taken the time to write for help, I’ll assume you’ve told your father how important it is to drink water but it hasn’t done much good.
Let’s break this down and see where the problem lies. Then, we’ll list a few strategies for keeping your father hydrated, especially as summer comes into full swing.
Why Seniors Sometimes Don’t Drink Enough Water
In any situation where there’s friction between two people, it helps to consider the other point of view. From your father’s perspective, certain physiological changes related to the aging process could be playing a role in his behavior.
For instance, did you know that the aging changes in the way the body perceives hunger and thirst?
Researchers have long since discovered that, as people age, their desire to drink water seems to decline. That’s supported by scientific evidence, which shows that older adults’ brains respond differently to thirst. This may explain why keeping seniors hydrated can be challenging.
A study from the University of Texas Health Science Center showed that people in their 60s and 70s had different brain activations than people in their 20s when it comes to experiencing thirst.
That could explain why some older adults respond to dehydration by drinking even less water. The neurons in certain regions of the brain are simply sending the wrong signals.
So, when you father says he’s simply not thirsty, he may just be telling the truth. He doesn’t feel thirsty but the fact of the matter is, his body is plenty thirsty.
Strategies for Keeping Seniors Hydrated
A simple, frank discussion can have lasting, positive effects in your situation. It’s possible that when your dad understands the physiological changes you’ve just learned about, he’ll be able to override his senses and drink more water.
You can also make fluid intake a little more satisfying.
Here are some techniques for keeping your dad hydrated this summer:
- Prepare a pitcher of water to store in the fridge. Colder water is sometimes more appealing.
- Try putting some flavor into the water: lemon wedges, lime packets, orange slices, or flavor packages from brands like Crystal Light, which offer flavor without the sugar.
- Suggest that he drink eight ounces of water whenever he takes medication.
- He might like hot water or decaffeinated tea flavored with honey.
- Eating foods with a high water content —think cucumbers, lettuce, melon, berries and soups —- can help hydrate the body.
Consult a Physician
Considering your Dad’s perspective can help you understand the situation more fully. At the same time, however, it’s also important to rule out any health issues. If your father continues to avoid drinking water, talk to his doctor.
Some seniors don’t want to drink water — or any liquid, for that matter — because it means more trips to the bathroom. Decreased mobility and fear of falling in the bathroom may be factors here. Your dad’s doctor may be able to help with mobility issues.
You might feel frustrated with your dad, but try the tips I’ve just outlined. With more fluids in his body, he’ll be better off both physically and mentally. That’s an outcome that works for everyone!
Staying hydrated is small but important part of overall health for seniors. Here at Heritage Senior Communities, we’re concerned about every aspect of the health of our residents. It’s all part of the Heritage Difference.
If you’d like to learn more about our assisted living senior community, we’re always happy to talk or show our visitors around. Call us anytime!
Sincerely,
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | May 1, 2017 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My grandmother recently moved to one of your assisted living communities in Michigan. I am heading home from college soon and can’t wait to see her and her new apartment on Mother’s Day!
I would like to bring my grandma a housewarming/Mother’s Day present, but I’m struggling to come up with the right gift idea. Do you have any suggestions? My mom told me space is limited, so I need to come up with something meaningful but small!
Kind Regards,
Heather
Mother’s Day Gift Guide for Grandmothers
Dear Heather:
First off, I’m happy to learn your grandmother now calls one of our communities home! She’s no doubt anxious to show you around her new place.
As far as your struggle to come up with an idea for a Mother’s Day gift idea for your grandma, you aren’t alone. It is one of the most common questions we hear from family members this time of year. And it’s why we created this gift guide. We hope it will help you and other family members who have a loved one who lives in an assisted living community.
Sentimental Mother’s Day Gifts
Most grandmothers cherish anything that highlights their family. The best Mother’s Day gift for your grandma might be one that honors that sentiment. A few ideas include:
- Scrapbook that contains photos of loved ones and memorabilia from important family milestones
- Personalized calendar that has all of your family’s important birthdays and anniversaries printed on it
- Book of coupons she can trade for time with you, such as lunch out in a local restaurant or computer lessons
Splurge Gifts for a Cherished Grandmother
If your grandmother is like many older adults, she rarely splurges on gifts for herself. So think about what she might enjoy, including activities you can do together while you are home for the summer. Some suggestions could be:
- A facial, makeover, manicure, or pedicure for the two of you to indulge in together
- Gift certificate for the in-house beauty/barber shop at her assisted living community
- Basket of pampering items for you and your grandmother to enjoy a home spa afternoon together
- Gift card to a clothing store you know your grandmother likes along with a promise to be the one to take her shopping there
Gifts to Encourage Wellness
Other gifts to consider for your grandmother might be those that encourage her to stay active. A few senior-friendly ideas could be:
- A pedometer or fitness tracker
- Walking shoes or sneakers with good support
- Active wear such as a comfortable jogging suit
- A book and/or DVD on meditation
Gifts to Support Life-long Learning
Staying mentally fit as we grow older means staying connected to friends, loved ones and the community. Here are a few gifts that make it easier for your grandmother to do just that:
- A tablet she can use to connect on social media and email
- Gift card to her favorite local craft store and a pledge to be her driver to and from the store
- Help pay for a class she’s always wanted to pursue such as guitar lessons or a French class – there are many online opportunities to continue learning
Finally, never underestimate how important the gift of your time is to your grandmother. Set up a movie night to enjoy together or an afternoon to join her for lunch and an activity at her assisted living community. She will love being able to show off her college granddaughter!
I hope these ideas help you enjoy Mother’s Day with your grandmother, Heather!
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Apr 18, 2017 | Dear Donna
Dear Donna,
My mother is 78 years old and drives herself everywhere she needs to go. Although she hasn’t had any accidents yet, I’m concerned that she poses a danger to herself and others on the road. There have been a lot of news stories lately about older drivers who have run stop signs and ended up in serious accidents.
I want her to give up driving, but I don’t know how to broach the subject. How do I talk to her about hanging up her car keys? I have no idea where to begin.
I am envisioning this being a tough conversation and hoping you can help me find the right the words.
Thanks,
Meg
Advice for Encouraging a Senior to Hang Up the Car Keys
Hi Meg,
Thank you for your question. It’s a tough one, for sure! It’s difficult because it touches on a very tricky subject between older adults and caregivers like you, who want to do right by their loved ones. It’s great that you recognize the gravity of this matter and the importance of finding the right way to bring up the subject with your mother.
I’ll start right off by saying there’s no easy answer here. Unfortunately, it’s not just about driving. The topic goes much deeper into the issues involved with getting older.
You see driving is associated with independence, especially for seniors who live in rural areas across Michigan where public transportation isn’t always an option. Driving is often the only obvious way to get around. If your mother hangs up her car keys for good, she may feel like she’s lost her independence.
To further complicate the matter, even aging experts lack any sort of standard recommendation for when it’s time for an older adult to hang up the keys. Because aging affects everyone differently, it can’t drive this decision.
I can show you some facts and tips to help you arrive at a good decision.
Some Surprising Stats About Older Drivers
A 2011 study showed actual declines in fatal crashes involving older drivers from 1970 to 2006. What’s more, the decline was substantial. For drivers 70 and older, fatal crash involvement declined 37 percent. That’s a larger improvement than any other age group.
Not only that, but property-damage-only crashes also declined for drivers over 70, while they increased for middle-aged drivers.
Another study showed a continuation of that decline in fatal crash involvements for drivers 70 and older. Rates fell from 19.29 in 1997 to 12.01 in 2014. That study comes to us from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, who says older drivers are mostly a danger to themselves. If someone is frail, they are more likely to suffer extensive personal injuries in a car crash.
Older drivers have surprisingly low rates of crashes (at least those which are reported to the police). In fact, pedestrians, bicyclists, motorcyclists and passengers in other vehicles are more likely to die in crashes involving drivers 30-59 than drivers 60 and older.
Tips for Recognizing When it’s Time to Hang up the Keys
So I will ask you, is there something about your mother’s driving that is causing you concern, or are you simply worried because she’s 78?
If you are having a tough time deciding what is worrying you, here are a few signs to watch out for:
In addition, if your mother is experiencing muscular weakness and limited flexibility, she may have trouble gripping and turning the wheel properly.
Absent any of these warning signs, it might be hard for you to make a case with your mother about hanging up those keys. Some states require older drivers to take road tests or apply for licenses more often, but older drivers in Michigan are not treated any differently than the rest of the population.
Your best bet is to use the checklist above to guide your decision. It will become increasingly important as your mother turns 80 in a couple of years. Until then, keep an eye on her habits, look for dings in her bumper, and talk to her about what you may do “someday” when she has to stop driving.
–Donna
Want more answers on important topics for seniors? View our blog for more “Dear Donna” letters from our readers.
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Mar 10, 2017 | Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My 80-year old mother has been managing her finances on her own since my father passed three years ago. We often go over and help her with maintenance and housekeeping, but it’s important to her to be in control and independent.
I recently discovered that my mother was the victim of a telephone scam about five months ago. Someone called her pretending to be one of her grandsons who was away at college. The scammer told my mother he was in trouble and needed money wired to him immediately. My mom fell for it and sent him a significant amount of her savings.
After she realized what had happened, she kept it to herself. We only just figured out what happened because she delayed having a new roof put on her house. She said she was a little short of money even though I knew she shouldn’t be.
I called the local police and they came out and filed a report. But because so much time has passed, they aren’t very confident they will be able to track these guys down.
I don’t understand why my mom wouldn’t tell us. And I’m not sure how we can keep this from happening again.
Any advice?
Kind Regards,
Leigh Ann
Why Seniors Don’t Report Being a Victim of Fraud
Dear Leigh Ann:
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s situation! Our seniors are often targeted for scams and fraud for many reasons.
Sometimes it is because an older adult lives with a chronic health condition that makes it more difficult to keep up with home maintenance and repairs. As a result, they may have to turn to strangers for assistance. Roofing, windows and driveway sealing are three areas where seniors are often the victims of a scam.
Loneliness may also put them at risk. Because an older adult may live alone and feel isolated, they might be more willing to spend time on the phone with someone they don’t know. It puts them at higher risk for becoming the victim of a telemarketing scam.
And the grandparent scam your mother was the victim of is becoming increasingly common. It plays on the very special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.
AARP estimates that as many as 20% of our nation’s seniors have been the victim of some type of fraud. That number is considered to be low since many older adults, like your mother, are just too embarrassed to admit they have fallen victim to a scam.
Seniors also fail to report these crimes because they fear their families will think they are incapable of making their own decisions or that they will cause their children to worry about them.
A few tips we share with older adults near Heritage Senior Communities in Michigan are ones you can use to try to prevent your mother from becoming a victim again including:
- Identify Theft: Help your mom find a safe place to store important identifying information, such as her social security card and Medicare/insurance cards. While many older women keep them in their purse, these cards should actually be kept locked up. Gaining access to one of these cards makes it easy for scammers to steal your mother’s identity and apply for credit cards, car loans and more.
- Door-to-Door Scams: Scammers often target neighborhoods where they know the concentration of older adults is high. Remind your mother not to sign anything or give anyone money before you are able to check them out using online review sites such as Angie’s list and the Better Business Bureau. These fraudulent companies will pressure seniors by offering them too good to be true deals that must be accepted on the spot. Warn your mother that this type of behavior is a red flag that this isn’t a legitimate company.
- Do Not Call Registry: Much of the financial abuse against seniors comes in the form of telemarketing scams. Be sure your mother is on the Do Not Call Registry for both her home and cell phone numbers. While it won’t eliminate all risk for telemarketing fraud, it will likely reduce it.
I hope this helps, Leigh Ann!
Kind Regards,
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Jan 24, 2017 | Caregiving, Dear Donna, Uncategorized
Dear Donna,
My mother is 82 years old and living at home. We have recently begun discussing assisted living and other senior living community options in case she needs them in the future. Mom is currently in good health, and she has stated that she would very much prefer to stay in the same house she has lived in for the past 50 years.
I want to make sure she is both happy and comfortable when it comes to her future living arrangements. I’ve heard of the phrase “aging in place.” Can you explain what that means, and whether it might be an option for my mother?
Sincerely,
Debra in Dearborn
Is Aging in Place a Viable Option
Dear Debra,
I’m glad that you and your mother are being proactive about her future needs. It’s always a good idea to start early when exploring senior living options in Michigan—even if though your mom’s goal is to remain living in her own home.
The Centers for Disease Control define the term “aging in place” as “the ability to live in one’s own home and community safely, independently, and comfortably, regardless of age, income, or ability level.”
Many seniors would prefer to stay in their own homes during their retirement years, as the familiar environment provides a great deal of comfort to them. This could very well be a viable option for your mother, provided you give some thought to a few important issues.
Is her house senior friendly?
You mentioned that your mom is in good health, which can make it much easier for her to stay in her current location. However, it’s important to consider that there might come a day when she is not as healthy or as mobile as she is now. If she lives in large, multi-story home, it will make moving around much harder than if she were in a single-level home or perhaps an apartment or condo. This is why many seniors opt to downsize their homes during their retirement years, choosing smaller layouts that allow for better accessibility.
If your mother doesn’t like the idea of giving up her home, then take a realistic look at her current residence. It might be possible to make some home renovations that will make living in the same space both easier and safer for your mother, such as installing a shower instead of a tub in the bathroom for more accessible bathing.
Do family members live nearby?
Aging in place becomes a much more viable option when your loved one has a support network nearby. If you or other family members live in the area, then it might be possible for you to take turns checking in on your mom on a regular basis.
If family doesn’t live nearby, you may be able to enlist the support of an in-home care aide to visit your mother for regular wellness checks. It might also be a good idea to hire a housekeeping service to help with keeping your mother’s home clean and organized.
Additionally, a local church or nonprofit organization might have volunteers willing to help out with things like shoveling snow or running errands.
What type of budget does your mother have?
Keep in mind that the expenses associated with providing all of these services can add up to be more than it would cost for your mother to move to a senior living community. So it’s important that you have an open and honest discussion about finances when you are creating a plan for the future.
Aging in place can be a good option for seniors, provided there is enough support in place to make staying at home a convenience rather than a burden. I hope this information is helpful, Debra! Good luck to you and your mom.
Sincerely,
Donna
