by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Nov 4, 2013 | Caregiving, Dear Donna, Uncategorized
Dear Donna:
I am the primary caregiver for my 88-year old mother who lives in Saline, Michigan. I stop at her house every day either on my way to work or on the way home from work. When I had my annual physical last week, my physician told me she thinks care-giving is taking its toll on my health. My cholesterol is up, as is my blood pressure. She strongly encouraged me to find a respite program for my mother for a few weeks so that I can get some rest. Can you please explain to me what respite is?
Diane in Southeast Michigan
Dear Diane:
Many caregivers find themselves in your position. Juggling the care of an aging loved one with work and your own family can lead to increased health risks. In fact, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that at least half of all caregivers experience a decline in their own health. Respite is one way to get help.
In plain terms, respite is designed to give caregivers a break from their duties and allow them time to rest and renew. How respite works is that your mother would temporarily “move in” to a senior living community for a week or two. Any amount of time up to 30 days. She will have the full benefit of nutritious meals, life enrichment activities and outings, and all of the services every other resident enjoys. Some families even use respite on a regular basis.
Most health professionals, like your physician, stress how important it is for caregivers to take a break before they are exhausted. Because caregivers are often reluctant to admit that they do need help, researchers at California State University San Bernardino created a quick caregiver burden quiz . It only takes a few minutes to complete and it will assess the risk a caregiver is at for burnout or a serious medical condition.
Are you a family caregiver in Michigan?
Each of the Heritage Senior Communities across the state of Michigan offers respite.
Call the community nearest you for more information.
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by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Oct 18, 2013 | Dear Donna, Healthy Aging, Uncategorized
Dear Donna:
I am trying to persuade my 80-year old mother who lives alone in Traverse City, Michigan to move to an independent living community. We live almost 6 hours away from her and worry about her safety in the cold and snowy northern Michigan winters. She is very active and involved in her community. She even spends 4 or 5 hours a week volunteering. My mother somehow has the idea the senior living is just “a bunch of old people playing bingo.” What can I do to help her get a true picture of independent living?
Tammy in Toledo
Dear Tammy:
The out-of-date stereotypes of “homes” are still alive in the minds of many older adults. While we do play Bingo, independent living communities have so much more to offer. Here are a couple of suggestions that might help:
- You could start by talking with her about two of the main reasons older adults choose to move to independent living: to be free of the maintenance and upkeep of a home and for the life enrichment and socialization that happens every day. Most residents of an independent living community are a lot like your mother!
- Have a few of your local senior living communities mail you their monthly activity calendar. You could share those with your mother so she could see the wide range of programs that are offered. For example, at The Village at Bay Ridge in Traverse City life enrichment programs include book clubs, trips to the casino, quilting and theater outings. If she finds an activity that sounds interesting, most communities would happily invite her to join them.
- Visit a few communities without your mother along. You probably know her likes and dislikes well enough to determine if it might be a good fit. Then try to start with just having her visit for lunch and/or a tour. Agree ahead of time that she will be under no obligation to go again if she doesn’t like it.
I think once your mother can see for herself how active independent living residents really are, you will have a better chance at convincing her to make a move.
Good luck, Tammy!
Donna
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by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Jul 31, 2013 | Caregiving, Dear Donna, Uncategorized
Dear Donna:
My 91 year old mother suffers from advanced diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. Both make it difficult for her to care for herself. But she insists on staying in her home in Holland, Michigan instead of moving to senior living. She has lived there for almost 60 years. The problem is that my brother just won’t help with her care. We both live equal distances from her, but he won’t even take her to doctor’s appointments. I love my mother and want to care for her. That isn’t the issue. But I have a busy job and two children still living at home. There just aren’t enough hours in my day to be her only caregiver! I am getting more and more resentful of my brother. I am afraid I will say something I really regret if he doesn’t start helping.
-Melissa in Muskegon, Michigan
Dear Melissa:
You are a classic example of someone trying to survive the “sandwich”. A term we use to describe the generation sandwiched between aging parents’ needs and those of their own children. In your case, you have the added stress of a sibling who won’t help. In almost every family we work with across the state of Michigan, one child bears the primary responsibility of caregiving. Most of the time it is the adult daughter or daughter-in-law.
I have a few ideas for you to try:
- Ask your brother to meet you to talk about your mother. Have the meeting in a neutral place. Somewhere that you can talk without interruption.
- Prepare a list of activities you do for your mother and things you know need to be done but you haven’t had time to do. Even little things like picking up prescriptions should be on the list.
- Really give some thought beforehand to what he could do to help. Maybe lawn care or household repairs? What jobs will he be most likely to do on a routine basis?
- Sit down with your brother and share your concerns and your list with him in a respectful way. This may be difficult to do given how much resentment you are feeling towards him. Just remember, your goal is to get him to agree to help without forever damaging your relationship.
- Listen to what he has to say. You may find that fear is keeping him from helping your mother. Maybe you can arrange to meet at your mother’s house together to work on projects for her. Easing him in to caregiver responsibilities may give him time to adapt to the changes in your mother that have frightened him away.
- Try to divide up the task list and talk about dates and deadlines. Leaving the meeting with a definite plan will help.
- If all else fails, you have two options. You can hire a family mediator to help resolve your differences. Or you can accept that he won’t help and move on without him. That will be hard to do, but continuing to live with resentment will put your own health at risk.
Best of luck, Melissa! Please feel free to call one of the Heritage Senior Communities in Holland if you have any questions or need more advice on senior living.
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Jul 18, 2013 | Dear Donna, Healthy Aging, Uncategorized
Dear Donna:
I’m concerned about my 83 year old father. He lives alone in his home in Grand Haven, Michigan since my mother died two years ago. I live in Saline, Michigan with my own family. Because of the distance and our kids busy school schedules, we only make it up to see him about every six weeks. I talk to him on the phone every day. He always says he is “fine” and that he doesn’t need anything. But during the last few visits with him, he hasn’t seemed like himself. He has lost a noticeable amount weight and seems much quieter than he’s ever been. I know he misses my Mom. They were married for 64 years. How can I tell if this is grief or depression or something else entirely?
-Christina in Saline, Michigan
Dear Christina:
Long distance caregiving for an aging parent brings unique challenges. It is an issue that adult children across Michigan struggle with every day. And your question is a common one among our elderly. Separating grief from depression or another illness can be difficult. They can all exhibit similar symptoms. And two years isn’t an unreasonable amount of time to grieve for someone you were married to for 64 years. Wow! What a milestone.
To help you better understand what may be wrong with your father, I recommend you consider a few things:
- Does your father still drive? If not, does he have friends and family close by that help him stay connected to the community? For example, if church was always an important part of your parents Sunday routine, is he still able to go? Socialization can help someone who is lonely and alone for the first time in their life. Many of the residents of our independent living apartments move to a community for that very reason.
- You are right to be worried about weight loss. It can be a warning sign of depression or an illness, but it can also mean your father isn’t able to get to the grocery store or prepare meals on his own. Can you tell if the later might be the issue from your visits with him? Poke around in his refrigerator and see what you find. Are there healthy foods? Do you see foods with expired date labels? Ask him what is does for meals each day.
- How is his appearance? Does it look as if he is able to maintain his own personal care? Do you see bruises or other evidence he has experienced a fall or two? If he has fallen and not told you about it, he may be fearful of falling again and may avoid using the bathtub or the stairs or other areas of the house he thinks are hazardous.
- What is the condition of his house? Are bills piling up? Does the house look dirty? At 83 years of age, it may be too much for him to keep up with it all and that could be wearing him down.
- How long has it been since he has been to see his primary care physician? They can be a good resource for family caregivers and a great place to start if you are trying to get to the bottom of what is wrong. Try to schedule a check-up for a day and time you can go with him. If that isn’t possible, you may want to consider calling the office ahead of time to share your concerns with the doctor.
I would also like to recommend one resource that I think might help you in your caregiver role. The Family Caregiver Alliance. They are a part of the National Center on Caregiving. They have online support groups that you may find helpful.
Good luck, Christina! Please keep us posted on how your father is doing.
Donna
by trevor@addfuelfire.com | Jul 8, 2013 | Caregiving, Dear Donna, Healthy Aging, Uncategorized
Dear Donna:
My father keeps falling. I live three hours away and have had to drop everything three times this month to race to his house after he had a fall. He says it is just a normal part of aging. I think there is more to it. What can we do? I will lose my job if this keeps up!
-Suzanne in Bay City, Michigan
Dear Suzanne:
The teams at Heritage Senior Communities hear stories similar to yours from families we work with across Michigan every day. We know the role of long-distance caregiver is a tough one. Especially if you work and have your own family.
And, you are right. While our senior population does experience more falls, they are not a typical part of the aging process.
There are a few things we can recommend you try to help keep your father safe at home:
- Consider having a physical or occupational therapist do an evaluation of his home environment. They can look at potential hazards that may be increasing his risk for falls. That includes throw rugs, places where grab bars should be installed, stairway safety, lighting and more.
- Has your father had a vision test lately? Many times poor vision and falls go hand in hand. It may be time for a new prescription for his glasses. Or he may be suffering from cataracts that are impairing his vision. It is best to have it checked out.
- Does your father take any prescription medications? The side effects of some medicines can cause an unsteady gait. Or it could be the interaction between two medications that is impacting his balance. Your father’s pharmacist is a good resource for helping you make this determination.
- Poor nutrition can also lead to falls. Is your father eating a well-balanced diet? If he no longer drives or suffers from a disease like Parkinson’s or arthritis, it may be difficult for him to prepare healthy meals. Your local Area Office on Aging will have recommendations on meal delivery programs that might help.
- Strength and flexibility are what help us maintain good posture and balance. If your father has a sedentary lifestyle, you might want to talk with his family physician about strength training and flexibility exercises. He might recommend chair yoga, Tai Chi or another form of no impact exercise to help him regain his strength and flexibility.
If you would like to assess his home on your own, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has a great Home Fall Prevention checklist that can help.
I hope these tips help, Suzanne! Best of luck to you and your father.
Donna
