by Shelley | Jul 10, 2023 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
I watched a segment on the news about June being Men’s Health Month. It made me realize that my dad hasn’t been to the doctor since my mom passed away almost two years ago. She was the one who always kept him on track. He’s always been terrible about scheduling physicals and preventive screenings.
I want to discuss it with him this weekend, but I’m anxious about it. Do you have any suggestions I can use to convince my dad it’s important to see the doctor even if he’s not feeling sick? I could use a little advice!
Sincerely,
Kim in Midland, MI
Why It’s Important to See the Doctor on a Regular Basis
Dear Kim:
I wish I could tell you how often we hear this concern from women about the men in their lives! Cleveland Clinic actually surveyed men on this topic and found they would do just about anything not to see the doctor. In fact, only about half of the men they spoke with have an annual physical regularly.
The survey found that some men were conditioned from a young age not to discuss or complain about their health. Other reasons men cited for not seeing the doctor included not wanting to know if they had a medical issue, an unwillingness to change their lifestyle, and embarrassment. This information might give you some insight as to why your dad won’t see his doctor as often as he should. That may be helpful in overcoming his reluctance.
Another factor to consider is whether he’s comfortable with his current doctor. Maybe he is seeing a female physician and would prefer a male. A lack of experience with older adults is another reason a doctor may not connect with a senior. While a physician doesn’t necessarily need to be a geriatrician, finding someone who is knowledgeable and a good listener is vital. If the two of you decide it’s time for your dad to make a change, “4 Tips for Helping a Senior Find a Primary Care Doctor” has some good tips.
One last suggestion is to start with a virtual or telehealth appointment. Most physician offices started offering these during the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether it’s to meet and greet with a new doctor or check in with his current one, it’s worth calling to see if this is an option for a reluctant patient.
I hope this helps you! Best of luck speaking with your dad.
Kind regards,
Donna
Summer Is a Great Time to Explore Senior Living
With communities across Michigan and one in Indiana, Heritage Senior Communities has a rich tradition of caring for older adults. If you are an adult child helping care for an aging parent, planning now for future care needs is important. We extend an open invitation to you to visit one of our communities to learn more. Call the location nearest you to set up a time today!
by Shelley | Jun 19, 2023 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
My career keeps me on the go and includes frequent moves to new cities. It’s always been fun for my parents to visit me and explore new destinations. In recent years, however, they’ve both slowed down quite a bit. Neither one is comfortable traveling far from their Michigan home anymore, and they both have chronic health conditions.
I’m struggling to help keep them safe and healthy from a distance. Do you have any suggestions for long-distance caregivers? Any advice would be much appreciated!
Sincerely,
Lynne
Offering Support to Aging Parents Long-Distance
Dear Lynne:
In today’s transient society, this is a dilemma many families face. It’s common for adult children to be separated from aging parents by many miles. One advantage today’s long-distance caregivers have over those of the past is technology.
There are products and apps that can meet virtually any caregiving challenge, such as:
- Organizing information: Since you mentioned your parents have chronic health conditions, staying organized can be tough. Fortunately, apps like Caring Village and CareZone can help. Both digitally store medication lists, medical history, physician contact information, and more. You can also share access with friends and other family members who help your parents. That will make it easier to keep everyone in the loop.
- Managing medications: Mistakes with medication are a common reason seniors end up seeking treatment in a hospital emergency department. It can be a constant source of worry for loved ones, especially those who aren’t close enough to personally monitor compliance. Technology can help lower the risk for errors. For example, MedMinder is a medication management tool with many safety features. One option long-distance caregivers appreciate is receiving text alerts whenever a parent’s medication dose is missed.
- Assessing needs virtually: One form of technology many families grew accustomed to during the COVID-19 pandemic is video chat. Most used Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime to stay connected. As a long-distance caregiver, you can use video chat to enjoy a conversation with your parents while visually assessing how they are doing. Unintentional weight gain or loss, flushed cheeks, or a disheveled appearance can be early signs that something is wrong.
- Calling for help: Another tip is to invest in an emergency call alert system that each of your parents wears or keeps in a pocket at all times. In the event they experience a fall or other emergency, help can be summoned with the push of a button. Because many of these devices operate off of wireless technology, they can work wherever a senior is.
Create a Back-Up Care Plan
Another suggestion for long-distance caregivers is to create a back-up care plan. While your parents might be able to work together to handle tasks around the home now, emergencies occur. It’s a good idea to schedule a trip home so you can tour assisted living communities, talk with home care agencies, and meet with their doctor. Create a list of care providers that you like and could call if one of your parents needs more assistance.
With senior living communities all across Michigan, we hope you will put Heritage on your list of places to visit when you are in town!
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jun 15, 2023 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
My dad has been living alone for almost six years now. Until about two years ago, he was strong, active, and independent. Then he had a bad fall and his health has declined significantly. Because his house was built decades ago, it’s not a very supportive environment for a senior. I worry he will fall again.
After speaking with his nurse practitioner about options, it’s become obvious that he needs to move to an assisted living community. I know his nutrition and overall well-being will improve. However, I don’t know how to start this discussion with my dad.
Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Kate
Tips to Start a Conversation about Assisted Living with a Parent
Kate,
Great question! Adult children and even grandchildren frequently ask us for this advice. Loved ones want to ensure their family member has the care and support needed without hurting their feelings or pride.
A few tips that might be useful for having a productive discussion with your dad include:
- Using kind language: Try not to use forceful phrases like “you have to” or “you need to.” Instead, tell your parent that you are worried about them or that you are concerned about their health and safety. It will help them to be a part of the process rather than feel they are being forced into something. Your tone of voice matters, as does your body language.
- Bringing up assisted living indirectly: You can share stories about a friend whose parent has recently moved to an assisted living community. Talk about how they are thriving and how well it’s working out. By planting a seed and waiting a few days, your dad might have time to think about it in a positive way.
- Sharing your own fears: Telling a parent that it’s hard for you to see them struggle with age-related health issues is a great way to begin the conversation. So is sharing your worry that your dad will experience another fall when he is alone. You can then ease into discussing options like home care and assisted living. Don’t forget to highlight the many benefits of assisted living communities, such as healthy meals, activities, and access to caregivers around the clock.
Managing a Parent’s Resistance to Care
Just because you are ready to begin the conversation about assisted living with your dad doesn’t mean he is ready to listen. It’s not uncommon for older adults to become defensive when it comes to decisions about future care needs. Even when their health is declining, they still want to feel independent. Keep this in mind and don’t try to rush your dad unless you feel like his well-being is in danger.
I hope this helps, Kate! If you would like to visit one of our communities before you have this talk, one of our experienced team members will be happy to show you around and answer all of your questions.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jun 12, 2023 | Caregiving
You’ve likely heard that as we grow older, we require less sleep. Some people believe it’s why many seniors get up so darn early. But sleep experts disagree. Adults need between seven and nine hours of quality sleep each night no matter their age.
What does change, however, is the prevalence of insomnia and other sleep disorders. Research shows that as many as 50% of people over the age of 60 suffer from a sleep disorder. A senior might struggle to get a good night’s rest and give up trying. They eventually settle for a short night of less-than-ideal sleep. This may be the origin of the myth that older adults need less sleep.
What Is Insomnia?
Insomnia is a condition that causes people to have difficulty falling or staying asleep. Sleep occurs in several stages, starting with a light, dreamless slumber. It continues on to periods of active dreaming, known as REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. As we age, these patterns often change. The amount of time you spend in each sleep stage can be disrupted. It can cause seniors to wake up frequently throughout the night or to awaken and be unable to fall back asleep.
A few common signs of insomnia are:
- Difficulty getting to sleep
- Poor quality, non-restful sleep
- Waking up at least three times throughout the night
Why Seniors Often Experience Trouble Sleeping
Sleep disorders in seniors can be the result of a variety of medical issues, some of which can be treated. For example, certain health conditions, such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, asthma, anxiety, depression, or sleep apnea can make quality sleep tougher to come by. Another factor might be chronic pain. Illnesses such as osteoarthritis or an autoimmune disease often cause persistent pain that makes a good night’s rest more challenging.
Environment might play a role, too. If a senior’s bedroom is too bright, warm, or noisy, it can interfere with rest. Then there is the possibility that poor sleep is a side effect of a medication. Beta blockers—a class of drugs used to treat high blood pressure, arrhythmias, and angina—are prescribed for many seniors and can increase the risk for insomnia.
Finally, a lack of exercise is another possibility. Too much sitting can make you feel tired and sluggish, but that doesn’t translate to good quality sleep. According to the National Library of Medicine, a lack of exercise is associated with insomnia at every age.
Ways to Beat Insomnia and Get a Good Night’s Rest
If you just aren’t able to consistently sleep well, a few suggestions include:
- Sticking with a routine: Routines provide structure. That helps both the mind and body. Try going to bed at night and getting up in the morning at the same time every day. Turn off all electronic devices at least an hour before heading to bed. Engaging in soothing activities that help you unwind, such as reading or taking a warm bath, might also work.
- Creating a peaceful environment: The bedroom should be a calm and peaceful place. It’s important to have a good mattress and soft sheets. Another tip for creating a relaxing sleep environment is to turn the thermostat down a bit overnight.
- Working out in the morning: While exercise is important and aids in promoting good sleep, it can raise your body’s core temperature and boost adrenaline. Try to work out in the morning or at least three hours before bedtime.
- Avoiding late-day naps: If you can avoid taking a daily nap altogether, that’s best. However, if you have to nap, do so earlier in the day. That helps prevent daytime shut-eye from interfering with your ability to fall asleep.
- Limiting stimulants: Caffeine, alcohol, and other stimulants should be consumed in moderation and avoided completely later in the day. While they may not prevent you from falling asleep, they often cause people to wake up in the night and be unable to return to sleep.
- Clearing your mind: Try to deal with the worries of your day before getting into bed. Quiet the mind and focus on peaceful thoughts. Meditation, journaling, stretching, and other activities that promote emotional resilience can be beneficial.
If your best efforts at getting a good night’s rest don’t yield results, it’s likely time to see the doctor. They might be able to figure out the root cause or schedule an overnight sleep study.
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by Shelley | May 30, 2023 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
I recently returned home to Michigan from New York to help care for my parents. While I live close to them, we’re not in the same house. They both have different health concerns and need someone to oversee their care and household tasks.
My employer allows me to work remotely, but I still put in a lot of hours each week. I’m really struggling to get organized. Do you have any suggestions to help a new caregiver like me? I’m really overwhelmed.
Sincerely,
Chris in Grand Haven, MI
Organizational Tips for New Family Caregivers
Dear Chris:
Assuming the role of family caregiver is a big undertaking. When you factor in your relocation and busy job, it’s easy to see why you are struggling. Here are some suggestions I hope will be beneficial:
- Accept that you will need help.
Adult children often believe they should be able to manage their aging parents’ support on their own. Very rarely is this realistic. As you take on this new role, recognize that you will need to ask for and accept help. That support might come in many forms.
It could be asking a friend or family member to stay with your parents for an hour or two while you relax and see a movie or have your hair done. You could also ask a friend to pick up a few groceries or drop off dinner to your parents.
- Organize caregiving details.
Many adult children say they feel an extraordinary amount of stress when they first step into the caregiving role. They may worry they won’t do a good job or fear they will overlook important appointments or tasks. Getting organized can help relieve some of that anxiety.
Begin by blocking out time to set up a system. Sort and organize your parents’ important health care paperwork and legal documents. If you need to, ask a friend or family member to sit with your parents so you can have this uninterrupted time.
Organize their paperwork in a binder by topic or date (e.g., test results, medication list, and physician contact information). Also check to see if their health care provider has an online portal your parents can access. Taking time to review visit summaries, test results, and other notes can give you a better picture of what’s been happening.
Next, add your parents’ appointments and follow-up tasks to your personal calendar. If there are household tasks that need to be completed, place those on your calendar, too. This helps to avoid double-booking yourself or missing something. Not having to rely on your memory can alleviate some of your stress. Apps like My Medical can make tracking and organizing easier.
- Establish and stick to a routine.
This step may take some time, but having a routine can make caregiving more manageable. Try to cluster errands and appointments on one or two days each week. This will allow you to have uninterrupted blocks of time to work and handle your own needs.
It also requires fewer arrangements for a friend or family member to stay with your loved one. For example, if both parents have dentist appointments, schedule them concurrently. That allows you to make one trip instead of two.
- Connect with a caregiver support group.
Caregivers face unique challenges that others may not understand. It can be very isolating. Having a group of peers who understand and can empathize is usually beneficial to a caregiver’s emotional and physical well-being. Support group members may have specific ideas for juggling work with a caregiving schedule.
Peers can also commiserate with you about the emotional side of caregiving. For example, if you are feeling guilty, resentful, angry, or sad, you’ll likely find people who’ve experienced those emotions too. You can even connect with a support caregiver group online, if that is easier on your schedule.
Finally, follow the oxygen mask advice flight attendants share during their pre-flight safety talk: help yourself before helping others. Caregivers must make good self-care a priority. If you don’t, you’re more likely to experience a medical crisis of your own.
Respite services at assisted living communities may make that possible for you. Your parents can spend a week or so at a community while you take a vacation or just some time off.
I hope this information is helpful to you, Chris!
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | May 4, 2023 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
My mom has lived alone in an older house since my dad passed away almost three years ago. Her home is in a rural area of Michigan without any close neighbors. My brother, sister, and I all live about 20 minutes away from her.
Over the last two years, my mom’s health has started to decline. While I’m more than happy to help, most of the caregiver duties seem to fall to me. My siblings just haven’t stepped up to provide any support to our mom. I am the oldest child, but I’m no less busy with my own family and job than they are.
I’m starting to be very resentful of my siblings. I don’t even want to be around them or call them. I realize I need to take steps to fix this, but I’m not sure how. What can I do to get them to pitch in and help with our mom’s care?
Sincerely,
Cindy in Saginaw, MI
Getting Siblings to Help Care for a Parent
Dear Cindy:
First, know that working together to manage a parent’s care can strain even the closest family relationships. In a study conducted by the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, only 1 in 10 family caregivers say responsibilities are shared equally and without conflict among loved ones.
As you’ve discovered, one family member usually shoulders much of the burden, and it’s often the eldest daughter. What I usually suggest to primary caregivers is to identify, if possible, the reasons why siblings aren’t helping.
In many cases, loved ones don’t know how or where to start. Providing more structure and specific requests for help might be necessary. Other sources of friction we’ve witnessed are:
- Differing opinions: Adult children don’t always see eye-to-eye on how much or what type of care a parent needs. In your situation, for example, your mother sounds like she might be an ideal fit for an assisted living community. Since you are the primary caregiver, this might not be a big surprise to you. But your siblings who don’t see her or help as much might not agree.
- Emotional struggle: Watching your mom’s health decline is probably difficult for all of you. Some adult children may avoid visiting an aging parent because they can’t process what is happening. A sibling who is going through this may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.
- Disputes about money: Another source of feuds that occur when a senior loved one needs care is money. Adult children may disagree on how to spend—or not spend—a parent’s money. Unfortunately, it isn’t uncommon for siblings to clash over spending money on professional senior care because of the impact on potential inheritance.
Some people feel unsure of where to start when it comes to caregiving. They often benefit from being given specific tasks or dates to provide assistance to an aging parent. If this is the case for your siblings, we have some suggestions for getting started.
Organizing Siblings to Help with Senior Care
Working with siblings to care for an aging parent takes a coordinated approach. Whether you are trying to find a new doctor for a senior loved one or deciding between two assisted living communities, it’s important to put aside your differences.
Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind as you all create a plan for your mom’s care:
- Assign specific tasks: Create a list of tasks and appointments for which your mom needs help. Split them up evenly and put it in writing. Try to get your siblings to set a date for when general tasks (e.g., cleaning the gutters or stocking the freezer) will be completed.
- Communicate regularly: Staying in close touch is essential for avoiding misunderstandings. It’s usually best to meet in person or by video chat instead of via text message.
- Let it go: Don’t let resentment and old sibling rivalries keep you from doing what is in your parent’s best interest. Instead of hanging on to old wounds and slights, let it go. The added stress isn’t good for you or your parent.
- Seek unbiased guidance: Unfortunately, some families reach an impasse and just can’t find ways to work together. This is where the guidance of an unbiased third party might help. It could be your mom’s rabbi or pastor. You might even want to turn to their physician or nurse practitioner for advice if the issue is deciding on care solutions. Finally, another option is to enlist the services of an aging life care professional.
I hope this information is useful to you, Cindy! Best of luck to you and your family.
Kind regards,
Donna
