by Shelley | Oct 28, 2024 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
As the primary caregiver for my mom, I’ve learned how stressful the holidays can be. This is the third Christmas since my mother moved in with us, and I’m trying to better manage my expectations and my time.
I have two brothers who live close by, but neither has demonstrated a willingness to help. Accepting that and exploring alternatives so my family and I can still celebrate Christmas together is my leading priority. But it isn’t easy.
I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for me. I want to feel joyful, not resentful, during the holidays this year.
Sincerely,
Sharon in Saginaw, MI
Tips to Help Caregivers Enjoy the Holidays
Dear Sharon:
Caring for an aging parent can be a rewarding experience, but also a stressful one, especially during the holiday season. The pressure can be amplified when siblings don’t assist with caregiving responsibilities. I do have a few suggestions that I hope you might find helpful.
- Acknowledge your feelings.
Recognizing your emotions is the first step in coping with caregiver stress. Feelings of frustration, resentment, and loneliness are very common for the primary caregiver, especially when siblings are nearby but do not help. Try to find positive ways to express these feelings. It might be through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking professional counseling.
Having your experience validated can help reduce the emotional weight you carry. Consider joining an in-person or online caregiver support group. Connecting with others who share similar struggles can provide the validation and emotional support you need. Support group members, especially those who reside in your community, might also have ideas for connecting with volunteers or professional caregivers who can lend a hand.
While you might feel pessimistic given your brothers’ previous unwillingness to help, it might be worth having an open conversation. You may feel uncomfortable, but having a frank discussion with your siblings about your feelings and the challenges you face is essential. Approach them calmly, sharing specific examples of care responsibilities and how their lack of involvement affects you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings—e.g., “I feel overwhelmed managing mom’s care alone”—to reduce defensiveness and encourage constructive dialogue.
If you aren’t successful in convincing your siblings to help, respite care might be a solution to explore. Hiring a home care aide, even for a few hours a week, can significantly reduce your burden. If you’d like to plan a holiday getaway with your own children, respite care at an assisted living community might be the answer. Your mom can stay in a private suite or apartment and enjoy all of the same services and amenities as long-term residents. She might enjoy the opportunity to connect and socialize with peers residing at the community. From fitness programs to craft workshops and movie nights, there are a variety of daily activities to participate in.
It sounds as if you might already be doing this. Instead of focusing on what your brothers aren’t doing, try to reframe your expectations. Concentrate on what you can control and seek fulfillment in the positive aspects of caregiving, such as the bond you share with your parent. While it’s certainly not easy to accept that siblings aren’t willing to pitch in, learning to do so is probably necessary for your own well-being.
I hope this information allows you to better enjoy the holiday season ahead!
Kind regards,
Donna
Respite Care at Heritage Communities
If you are searching for respite services for a friend or family member in Michigan or Indiana, we invite you to consider a Heritage community. Call the location nearest you to schedule a private tour today!
by Shelley | Sep 30, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
For almost 9 years, I have been caregiving for my husband as he has battled cancer. More times than I can count, we have been told the end was near. In the last 2 years, I’ve been by his side constantly. I rarely see anyone except my adult children and grandchildren.
While my husband isn’t a difficult patient, he is demanding. He still sees me as the young and active person I was when he first got sick. In reality, I am exhausted to the point that I feel resentful of him and struggle to find empathy. It pains me greatly to admit that as we’ve been married almost 60 years, and I love him greatly.
Do you have any advice for helping me reset my emotions? Caregiving is such a difficult role.
Sincerely,
Shawna in Muskegon, MI
Rediscovering Empathy and Compassion While Caregiving
Dear Shawna:
First, let me begin by saying what you are experiencing is normal. That’s especially true given the length of time you’ve been a caregiver and how isolated it sounds like you’ve become. Be kind to yourself. You are on a very difficult journey.
Empathy involves more than simply feeling sorry for someone; it’s about understanding their emotions and experiences. Here are some ways to nurture empathy:
- Practice mindfulness: Active listening and staying present can help caregivers prioritize their loved one’s feelings, fears, and joys. One way to rediscover empathy is through mindfulness practices. Taking a moment to breathe and center oneself can create space for compassion. Some caregivers find activities like meditation, walking, and even chair yoga make it easier to remain in a state of mindfulness.
- Connect with a support group: Sharing experiences with fellow caregivers can reinforce empathy. Joining an Alzheimer’s support group or otherwise engaging in conversations with people facing similar challenges creates a sense of community. Hearing similar stories of struggle can remind caregivers they aren’t alone in battling guilt and other difficult emotions. The emotional connections found in a support group can also be beneficial.
- Consider journaling: Journaling can be an invaluable tool for caregivers, offering a space to process emotions and experiences. It will give you an opportunity to reflect on daily challenges, celebrate small victories, and articulate feelings of stress or joy. Writing can help caregivers clarify their thoughts, track their loved one’s progress, and identify patterns in behavior or health. This practice allows caregivers to release pent-up emotions and gain perspective. By documenting the journey, caregivers can find connection, validation, and a deeper understanding of their role.
- Take caregiving breaks: My final, and possibly most important, tip is to accept that you need to take breaks. Many spouses find this tough, but it’s important for your own well-being and your ability to best care for your husband. Try asking your adult children to take turns caregiving for a few hours a week. Use the time to stroll through a bookstore, get a pedicure, have lunch or dinner with a friend, or head to the movies. Then, consider utilizing respite in a memory care community near your home on a regular basis. These short-term care services give caregivers a chance to recharge for a few days or weeks. You’ll know your spouse is in the hands of experienced professionals, which will make it easier to relax.
I hope these tips are helpful to you, Shawna, and allow you to find peace.
Kind regards,
Donna
Schedule a Tour of a Specialized Dementia Care Program
The best way to learn more about respite care or specialized dementia care is with a personal visit and tour. With locations throughout Michigan, you’ll likely find a Heritage community near you! Call today to set up a time for your personal tour.
by Shelley | Aug 29, 2024 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
My husband and I are helping his mom start to downsize her home. We are planning to begin the search for a senior living community in January. My husband and his siblings were raised in this home and the idea of sorting through everything is overwhelming.
Do you have any tips for families trying to prepare a parent for downsizing to a senior living community? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
Sincerely,
Nicole in Dundee, MI
Tips for Downsizing Before a Move to Senior Living
Dear Nicole:
First, know that you aren’t alone. This is a common concern families share with us. In fact, it’s one of the leading reasons people put off making this move despite knowing what a good decision it is.
Over the years, our teams have learned many best practices to help make this process feel less daunting. The two we usually talk about first are starting early and being patient and empathetic. Since you are already beginning the process, you’ve conquered our first suggestion.
With regard to demonstrating empathy and patience, we like to remind adult children that what you see as clutter might in fact be sentimental to an older person. When in doubt, ask questions about anything your mother-in-law wants to hang on to that might seem unnecessary.
Here are a few more suggestions that you might find helpful:
Set clear goals for each room and determine what you want to keep, donate, or discard. Many families find it helpful to utilize the four box method. Get four boxes and label them “keep,” “donate,” “sell,” and “trash.” As you work your way through each room, place items in the appropriate box.
Most people moving from a house to senior living will have less space in their new apartment or villa. If you’ve got a few senior living communities in mind already, you might be able to get ballpark measurements for the new space. That will give you time to think about what will fit. Use this as a guideline for what to keep and what to rehome.
- Tackle one room at a time.
Focus on one room or area of the house at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Complete that space before moving on to the next. It may be helpful to start in the rooms used least often, such as the basement, attic, or guest rooms.
Working in short bursts (e.g., 30 minutes) of time may make it easier to maintain focus and make the process less daunting. It’s also easier to fit thirty minutes or an hour of downsizing into your day or week.
When it comes to cleaning out the closets, parting with clothing, shoes, or accessories can be tough. If your mother-in-law hasn’t worn something in the past year, encourage her to consider letting it go. You can adapt the length of time a bit for seasonal goods and household items. For example, if she has an abundance of Christmas decorations, those that haven’t been used in at least three years might need to find a new home.
Scan important documents, photos, and keepsakes to reduce physical clutter. Not only will it take up less space in the new senior living apartment or villa, but it may also be easier to organize for future use or reminiscing.
Get family or friends involved for support and a fresh perspective. They can help you make decisions on items you might be holding on to. One word of caution, however, is to select people you feel will be supportive of this transition and who have a serious desire to make it easier.
If you have a lot of items your mother-in-law will need to part with, consider hosting an estate sale. It’s a good way to sell a lot of things quickly and can help you finance some of the expenses associated with moving. Be sure to ask for references from friends and family who have used estate sale companies in the recent past whenever possible.
Research local charities, shelters, or organizations that will accept your donations and schedule a drop-off or pickup. This might require a little time depending upon what you have to give away.
- Dispose of hazardous waste properly.
Check local guidelines for disposing of items like paint, batteries, and electronics. Your city or township probably has collection sites or hosts safe disposal days a few times every year.
One last tip is to remind yourself of the benefits of downsizing, such as a smoother move, less stress, and a more organized living space. While it may feel like a lot of work now, the end result will be worth it!
One final resource you might want to consider is hiring a senior move manager. These professionals have experience helping families with all phases of a transition to a senior living community. From downsizing a home to organizing an estate sale, they provide a valuable service to busy families.
I wish you the best of luck, Nicole! I would also like to invite you to visit a Heritage location with your mother-in-law when you are ready to begin your search.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 30, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My dad has been on his own for about three years now since my mom passed away. During this time, his health has been slowly declining. My sister and I live fairly close to his house and have been trying to assist him whenever and however we can. The catch is my dad is a very proud man. He is adamant that he doesn’t need help, even though he clearly does.
My sister and I are looking for suggestions from experts like you on how to support an aging parent without being perceived as bossy or domineering. Do you have any advice? We would greatly appreciate any recommendations.
Sincerely,
Jeff in Grand Haven, MI
Assisting an Aging Parent While Protecting Dignity and Independence
Dear Jeff:
This is such a tough situation and one that many adult children find themselves trying to navigate. It is so difficult to watch a parent’s health decline and struggle to find ways to help. While there is no magic formula for getting a senior loved one to accept assistance, I can offer you a few suggestions.
- Initiate a conversation with empathy: Approach conversations with your dad from a place of empathy and understanding. Start by expressing your concern for his well-being and asking open-ended questions about his needs and preferences. For example, you might want to say, “Dad, it seems as if you’ve been having trouble with [specific task]. How can I help make that easier? Can we do that together or find someone we can pay to do it?”
- Offer specific, practical help: Instead of making broad statements or assumptions about what your dad needs, offer specific and practical assistance. For instance, suggest concrete ways you can help or hire outside assistance. It could be scheduling doctor’s appointments if the office uses an online platform or finding a local landscaping company. If he’s struggling with grocery shopping, perhaps you could order his groceries online each week for curbside pick-up or delivery.
- Approach support collaboratively: Along the same lines as offering specific types of help is to approach caregiving as a collaborative effort where you, your sister, and your dad each have a voice. Suggest that the three of you work together to create a plan that includes financial decisions, household tasks, personal needs, and ideas for the future. This might help avoid giving your dad the perception that you are trying to take over or boss him around.
- Practice active listening: When you are convinced you know the best solution for an aging loved one’s health and well-being, it can be difficult to sit back and listen. But it is an important step in getting your dad to consider making changes. Listen attentively to his concerns, fears, and preferences without interrupting or imposing your own agenda. Validate his feelings and show you are trying to understand the situation from his perspective.
- Value decision-making: Recognize that your dad has the right to make decisions about his own life, including his health and how he handles his living arrangements. If you are worried that he is making the wrong decision—or no decision at all—try to provide him with additional information and options. In the end, however, you might have to accept and honor his wishes.
- Be patient and flexible: Recognize that caregiving can be challenging and unpredictable. Be patient with your dad and yourselves as you and your sister navigate the ups and downs of caring for an aging parent. Remain flexible and be willing to adapt to changing needs and circumstances. It’s the best way to keep the lines of communication open.
- Express appreciation: Remember to express gratitude to your dad when he allows you or your sister to pitch in and help. When he sees how sincere your gratitude is, your dad may gradually come around to accepting more assistance.
Finally, I want to share an article you might find useful if you feel moving to an assisted living community is the best solution for your dad’s health and safety. “How to Overcome a Parent’s Resistance about Assisted Living” offers suggestions on how to determine the underlying issue that might be causing a senior’s reluctance to make a necessary change.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 30, 2024 | Caregiving
Dear Donna:
For the past 4 years my husband and I have been helping my parents with a variety of tasks. It started out with simple home maintenance like changing the light bulbs in overhead fixtures and mopping the kitchen floor.
Over the last year or so, however, both my mom and my dad have had a serious decline in health. We’ve tried hiring homemaker aides to assist but haven’t found anyone reliable. So, my husband and I are doing everything from picking up groceries and prescriptions to filling their weekly medication organizers.
While we want to support my parents’ needs, both of us work full-time. We just can’t seem to get everything done in a day anymore. Do you have any time-saving tips for family caregivers? We’ve started talking with my mom and dad about moving to assisted living but understand they need to make this decision for themselves.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Roberta in Pittsfield Township, MI
Tips to Help Family Caregivers Manage Their Time
Dear Roberta:
This is one of the questions family caregivers ask us most often! Caring for senior loved ones can be immensely rewarding, but the role often comes with unique challenges. This is particularly true with regard to managing time effectively. Family caregivers usually juggle multiple responsibilities, from providing emotional support to handling practical tasks, like medication management, transportation, personal care, and household chores.
Here are some tips that may help busy caregivers, like you and your husband, save time and reduce stress:
- Establish a routine: Predictability helps reduce anxiety. Try to streamline caregiving tasks into a daily routine for your parents as much as possible. Make a plan that includes a schedule for meals, medication dosages, and other important activities. That will allow you to better accommodate your own needs.
- Utilize technology: Use medication reminder apps or alarms on your smartphone to stay on top of medication schedules, doctor’s appointments, and other time-bound tasks. It can alleviate some of the stress you likely feel about forgetting things. Also, since transportation and waiting for physicians can eat up considerable time, ask if telemedicine is an option. These virtual appointments can allow you to complete other household chores while waiting for the doctor.
- Organize health information: One thing caregivers are often surprised by is the volume of paperwork they accumulate. Shuffling through it can waste a lot of time. A better way to handle this is to create a binder or digital folder with important documents. Include insurance information/paperwork, physician visit summaries, and a list with contact information for healthcare providers. This makes it easy to access information quickly when needed. It will require an initial investment of time, but will save time over the long run.
- Create a medication management system: Many family caregivers worry about their loved one’s medications. A missed dose of an important medicine can land a senior in the emergency room. So can taking too much. Creating a medication system that includes a schedule and pill organizers to sort medications for the week can help. This helps prevent confusion and ensures doses are not missed. There are even systems you can purchase that will sound an alarm at dosage time and text family members if medications aren’t taken. Also consider using a pharmacy that delivers prescriptions to your parents’ doorstep to save time.
- Prioritize self-care: Finally, remember to include your own self-care in your schedule when you are budgeting your time. That means engaging in regular exercise, relaxing, eating well, and having hobbies that bring you joy. Joining an online support group for caregivers might allow you to connect with others who understand your challenges and can provide valuable tips and encouragement.
Respite Care at Heritage Senior Communities
By implementing these time-saving tips and prioritizing self-care, you can navigate the challenges of caregiving more effectively while maintaining your own well-being. One last tip is to explore respite care services at a local assisted living community. These short-term stays allow caregivers time to take a much-needed break.
I hope this information is helpful, Roberta! Please feel free to contact me with any additional questions.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 2, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My mom and I have both had a pretty tough year. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and battled it for six months before his death. The two of us are pretty worn out and in need of some fun and relaxation. I would like to take my mom on a real vacation, but she has some mobility challenges. She can walk only for short distances before she needs the assistance of a walker or wheelchair.
We are open to traveling by car, plane, or even a train. The key is to make our trip as easy as possible for my mom. Do you have any suggestions? We live in southeast Michigan but are open to going anywhere!
Sincerely,
Anna in Midland, MI
Vacation Destinations for Older Adults with Limited Mobility
Dear Anna:
My condolences on the loss of your father. Caring for a loved one with a life-limiting illness can be mentally and physically exhausting. It seems like you and your mom could definitely use a vacation!
Since it sounds like your mom’s mobility issues are understandably a worry for you, I’m sure it’s tough to figure out how to plan your getaway. With that in mind, here are a few tips that might help you narrow your choices:
- Consider taking a cruise: While cruise ships can be large and require a considerable amount of walking, they also have accessible options for those who require it. Most have wheelchairs that can be rented for the duration of the trip, as well as accessible cabins and physical environment. Features often include wider doorways with no sills or lips, raised toilet seats, handrails along hallways, accessible balconies, lower rods in closets, and benches in the shower. On-board restaurants and theaters have designated seating for those who use wheelchairs or other mobility devices. This article ranking the best cruise lines for people with limited mobility might be a helpful read.
- Explore a national park: After the tough months that you and your mom experienced, connecting with nature might give your spirits a boost. Fortunately, America’s National Park Service has a variety of options for people who struggle with mobility. Many have accessible trails and scenic drives that are great for people of all ages who have limited mobility. Some of the parks also offer educational programs and tours led by park rangers so you can learn about the natural history and the diverse wildlife. A few senior-friendly parks include Acadia National Park in Maine, Yosemite National Park in California, Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky, and Hawaii Volcanoes National Park in Hawaii.
- Travel by train: If busy airports, long car rides, national parks, or large cruise ships don’t appeal to you, maybe taking a train trip will. Among the many benefits of rail travel is that you can sign up for a trip that includes your own sleeping space. You’ll avoid having to unpack and repack your suitcase at multiple locations. Train travelers over the age of 65 often receive special discounted pricing, too. The Accessible Travel Services page on Amtrak’s website has some great information you’ll want to review if you decide to hit the rails for your vacation.
Finally, if you decide you’d like to include younger family members in your travel party, we have some information that might help you plan. “Intergenerational Summer Vacations” contains more helpful destination ideas.
Sending you and your mom best wishes for a great vacation!
Kind regards,
Donna
