by Shelley | Oct 28, 2024 | Dear Donna, Healthy Aging
Dear Donna:
My husband of 57 years passed away recently and I’ve been living alone since. Our house and yard are just too much for me to keep up with. I feel so tied down that I can’t travel to see my out-of-state grandkids as often as I would like.
While I’m still very active and independent, I know that won’t always be the case. I don’t want to be a burden to my children and grandchildren.
I’ve decided to find a senior living community that has both independent living and assisted living on the same campus. My challenge is where and how to start the search. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
With gratitude,
Karyn in Charlevoix, MI
Tips to Start the Search for Senior Living
Dear Karyn:
First, I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your husband. That must be a difficult adjustment after 57 years together. It’s understandable that you might want to spend time traveling to be with your children and grandchildren.
From experience, I do have some suggestions for starting your search for senior living that I think you will find useful.
- Geographic preference: Begin with location. Would you prefer to remain in northern Michigan? Or are you considering moving closer to an adult child? The latter can be tricky if they have a job that might require them to relocate in the future.
- Budgetary considerations: Another important issue is your budget. You’ll want to have a thorough understanding of your income and assets. It’s also a good idea to create a list of your current expenses. People often make the mistake of thinking senior living is much more costly than staying at home and hiring a caregiver. In reality, when all of the current expenses and future needs are factored in, the costs might be fairly similar.
- Personal recommendations: Do you have any friends, neighbors, or acquaintances who have moved to a senior living community? The advice and insight of someone you trust can’t be beat. Ask if you could sit down with them over a cup of coffee to talk about what they do and don’t like about the community. Sometimes a primary care physician or their staff might have insight they can share.
- Community reviews: Conduct an online search for reviews about communities you are considering to read what residents and families have to say. While reviews should never be the primary resource of making a decision like this, they can be helpful in identifying red flags.
- In-person visits: Nothing can replace in-person visits to senior living communities. Prepare a good list of questions to ask ahead of your tour. Take your time. Talk with staff, residents, and other visitors you might encounter. Visit more than once and go at different times, including the weekend. You might also want to take a friend along for a second set of eyes. Be sure to take good notes that you can refer back to as you work your way through each community you are considering.
Finally, if you are a little hesitant about making this transition, ask the community if they offer short-term stays. They are often referred to as respite care. While many think these programs are designed only to give the caregiver a break, they can also be utilized as a trial run to see how you like it.
I hope this information is helpful to you, Karyn! Best of luck on your search.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Sep 30, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
For almost 9 years, I have been caregiving for my husband as he has battled cancer. More times than I can count, we have been told the end was near. In the last 2 years, I’ve been by his side constantly. I rarely see anyone except my adult children and grandchildren.
While my husband isn’t a difficult patient, he is demanding. He still sees me as the young and active person I was when he first got sick. In reality, I am exhausted to the point that I feel resentful of him and struggle to find empathy. It pains me greatly to admit that as we’ve been married almost 60 years, and I love him greatly.
Do you have any advice for helping me reset my emotions? Caregiving is such a difficult role.
Sincerely,
Shawna in Muskegon, MI
Rediscovering Empathy and Compassion While Caregiving
Dear Shawna:
First, let me begin by saying what you are experiencing is normal. That’s especially true given the length of time you’ve been a caregiver and how isolated it sounds like you’ve become. Be kind to yourself. You are on a very difficult journey.
Empathy involves more than simply feeling sorry for someone; it’s about understanding their emotions and experiences. Here are some ways to nurture empathy:
- Practice mindfulness: Active listening and staying present can help caregivers prioritize their loved one’s feelings, fears, and joys. One way to rediscover empathy is through mindfulness practices. Taking a moment to breathe and center oneself can create space for compassion. Some caregivers find activities like meditation, walking, and even chair yoga make it easier to remain in a state of mindfulness.
- Connect with a support group: Sharing experiences with fellow caregivers can reinforce empathy. Joining an Alzheimer’s support group or otherwise engaging in conversations with people facing similar challenges creates a sense of community. Hearing similar stories of struggle can remind caregivers they aren’t alone in battling guilt and other difficult emotions. The emotional connections found in a support group can also be beneficial.
- Consider journaling: Journaling can be an invaluable tool for caregivers, offering a space to process emotions and experiences. It will give you an opportunity to reflect on daily challenges, celebrate small victories, and articulate feelings of stress or joy. Writing can help caregivers clarify their thoughts, track their loved one’s progress, and identify patterns in behavior or health. This practice allows caregivers to release pent-up emotions and gain perspective. By documenting the journey, caregivers can find connection, validation, and a deeper understanding of their role.
- Take caregiving breaks: My final, and possibly most important, tip is to accept that you need to take breaks. Many spouses find this tough, but it’s important for your own well-being and your ability to best care for your husband. Try asking your adult children to take turns caregiving for a few hours a week. Use the time to stroll through a bookstore, get a pedicure, have lunch or dinner with a friend, or head to the movies. Then, consider utilizing respite in a memory care community near your home on a regular basis. These short-term care services give caregivers a chance to recharge for a few days or weeks. You’ll know your spouse is in the hands of experienced professionals, which will make it easier to relax.
I hope these tips are helpful to you, Shawna, and allow you to find peace.
Kind regards,
Donna
Schedule a Tour of a Specialized Dementia Care Program
The best way to learn more about respite care or specialized dementia care is with a personal visit and tour. With locations throughout Michigan, you’ll likely find a Heritage community near you! Call today to set up a time for your personal tour.
by Shelley | Aug 29, 2024 | Dear Donna, Healthy Aging
Dear Donna:
My mom has several friends who have recently moved to assisted living communities. Both are widows whose adult children don’t live nearby. According to my mother, they are both happy to have made this transition. She’s been dropping hints that this might be something she is considering, too.
While I think my mom would benefit from social activities and having staff nearby 24/7 in case she needs help, I’m not sure I’m ready to give up being her caregiver. It’s a role I’ve been playing for almost five years now. While it can be demanding at times, such as when she’s not feeling well, I feel like I should be the one to care for her.
Because her friends’ families live out of town, it’s not been an issue for them. But I wonder if the staff at senior living communities truly wants adult children like me to be actively involved or if it’s just a nuisance. Any insight and advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Stacey in Saginaw, MI
The Role Adult Children Can Play in a Parent’s Senior Living Community
Dear Stacey:
It’s completely understandable to feel the way you do, particularly as you’ve been caring for your mom for so long now. The good news is that senior living communities welcome family involvement. It can be especially helpful during the early days after the transition when our team is trying to get to know a new resident.
At Heritage Senior Communities, for example, we believe that the best care occurs when residents, families, and team members work together. In fact, that partnership is really what “community” is all about.
If your mom does decide she’d like to make a move to an assisted living community, here are some tips you might find useful for getting involved.
- Make it easier for staff get to know your mom.
By regularly visiting and making small talk with staff, you’re helping them do their job. The more they know about and understand a new resident’s situation, the better equipped they’ll be to care for them. Studies have shown that when team members at an assisted living community know a resident well, they will be able to identify small changes in their well-being more quickly.
Knowing your mom’s family background and personal life story, such as her career, marriage, and children/grandchildren, will be helpful. So will understanding her health and wellness. These paint a complete picture of your mom for staff. That’s important because it helps build bonds and connections. Stronger connections can lead to a more homelike experience for your loved one.
- Offer to share your time and talent.
Most senior living communities welcome volunteer involvement. There are typically opportunities to assist with administrative tasks, special events, daily activities, and outings to nearby destinations. The nice thing is these don’t require any special training or skills. Just a friendly smile and helping hand!
If you do have a unique talent, such as playing the harp or teaching gardening or watercolor painting, the community will likely be excited to have you share them with residents. These types of activities are a popular part of daily life. Plenty of research shows that volunteers themselves reap many rewards when they donate their time to others.
- Make yourself available to staff.
One final tip is to make certain the staff at your mom’s senior living community knows that you are interested in helping out however you can. That includes ensuring the community’s leadership team understands that you want them to call with any questions or concerns they have about your mom. When you make a point of having a warm relationship with staff members, they’ll feel more comfortable reaching out to you.
Plan a Visit to a Heritage Location Near You
If your mom does want to move forward and begin exploring senior living communities, we hope you will put Heritage on your list. One of our experienced team members will be happy to show you and your mom around and answer any questions you might have. Give us a call to set up a time!
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 30, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My dad has been on his own for about three years now since my mom passed away. During this time, his health has been slowly declining. My sister and I live fairly close to his house and have been trying to assist him whenever and however we can. The catch is my dad is a very proud man. He is adamant that he doesn’t need help, even though he clearly does.
My sister and I are looking for suggestions from experts like you on how to support an aging parent without being perceived as bossy or domineering. Do you have any advice? We would greatly appreciate any recommendations.
Sincerely,
Jeff in Grand Haven, MI
Assisting an Aging Parent While Protecting Dignity and Independence
Dear Jeff:
This is such a tough situation and one that many adult children find themselves trying to navigate. It is so difficult to watch a parent’s health decline and struggle to find ways to help. While there is no magic formula for getting a senior loved one to accept assistance, I can offer you a few suggestions.
- Initiate a conversation with empathy: Approach conversations with your dad from a place of empathy and understanding. Start by expressing your concern for his well-being and asking open-ended questions about his needs and preferences. For example, you might want to say, “Dad, it seems as if you’ve been having trouble with [specific task]. How can I help make that easier? Can we do that together or find someone we can pay to do it?”
- Offer specific, practical help: Instead of making broad statements or assumptions about what your dad needs, offer specific and practical assistance. For instance, suggest concrete ways you can help or hire outside assistance. It could be scheduling doctor’s appointments if the office uses an online platform or finding a local landscaping company. If he’s struggling with grocery shopping, perhaps you could order his groceries online each week for curbside pick-up or delivery.
- Approach support collaboratively: Along the same lines as offering specific types of help is to approach caregiving as a collaborative effort where you, your sister, and your dad each have a voice. Suggest that the three of you work together to create a plan that includes financial decisions, household tasks, personal needs, and ideas for the future. This might help avoid giving your dad the perception that you are trying to take over or boss him around.
- Practice active listening: When you are convinced you know the best solution for an aging loved one’s health and well-being, it can be difficult to sit back and listen. But it is an important step in getting your dad to consider making changes. Listen attentively to his concerns, fears, and preferences without interrupting or imposing your own agenda. Validate his feelings and show you are trying to understand the situation from his perspective.
- Value decision-making: Recognize that your dad has the right to make decisions about his own life, including his health and how he handles his living arrangements. If you are worried that he is making the wrong decision—or no decision at all—try to provide him with additional information and options. In the end, however, you might have to accept and honor his wishes.
- Be patient and flexible: Recognize that caregiving can be challenging and unpredictable. Be patient with your dad and yourselves as you and your sister navigate the ups and downs of caring for an aging parent. Remain flexible and be willing to adapt to changing needs and circumstances. It’s the best way to keep the lines of communication open.
- Express appreciation: Remember to express gratitude to your dad when he allows you or your sister to pitch in and help. When he sees how sincere your gratitude is, your dad may gradually come around to accepting more assistance.
Finally, I want to share an article you might find useful if you feel moving to an assisted living community is the best solution for your dad’s health and safety. “How to Overcome a Parent’s Resistance about Assisted Living” offers suggestions on how to determine the underlying issue that might be causing a senior’s reluctance to make a necessary change.
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 2, 2024 | Caregiving, Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
My mom and I have both had a pretty tough year. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and battled it for six months before his death. The two of us are pretty worn out and in need of some fun and relaxation. I would like to take my mom on a real vacation, but she has some mobility challenges. She can walk only for short distances before she needs the assistance of a walker or wheelchair.
We are open to traveling by car, plane, or even a train. The key is to make our trip as easy as possible for my mom. Do you have any suggestions? We live in southeast Michigan but are open to going anywhere!
Sincerely,
Anna in Midland, MI
Vacation Destinations for Older Adults with Limited Mobility
Dear Anna:
My condolences on the loss of your father. Caring for a loved one with a life-limiting illness can be mentally and physically exhausting. It seems like you and your mom could definitely use a vacation!
Since it sounds like your mom’s mobility issues are understandably a worry for you, I’m sure it’s tough to figure out how to plan your getaway. With that in mind, here are a few tips that might help you narrow your choices:
- Consider taking a cruise: While cruise ships can be large and require a considerable amount of walking, they also have accessible options for those who require it. Most have wheelchairs that can be rented for the duration of the trip, as well as accessible cabins and physical environment. Features often include wider doorways with no sills or lips, raised toilet seats, handrails along hallways, accessible balconies, lower rods in closets, and benches in the shower. On-board restaurants and theaters have designated seating for those who use wheelchairs or other mobility devices. This article ranking the best cruise lines for people with limited mobility might be a helpful read.
- Explore a national park: After the tough months that you and your mom experienced, connecting with nature might give your spirits a boost. Fortunately, America’s National Park Service has a variety of options for people who struggle with mobility. Many have accessible trails and scenic drives that are great for people of all ages who have limited mobility. Some of the parks also offer educational programs and tours led by park rangers so you can learn about the natural history and the diverse wildlife. A few senior-friendly parks include Acadia National Park in Maine, Yosemite National Park in California, Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky, and Hawaii Volcanoes National Park in Hawaii.
- Travel by train: If busy airports, long car rides, national parks, or large cruise ships don’t appeal to you, maybe taking a train trip will. Among the many benefits of rail travel is that you can sign up for a trip that includes your own sleeping space. You’ll avoid having to unpack and repack your suitcase at multiple locations. Train travelers over the age of 65 often receive special discounted pricing, too. The Accessible Travel Services page on Amtrak’s website has some great information you’ll want to review if you decide to hit the rails for your vacation.
Finally, if you decide you’d like to include younger family members in your travel party, we have some information that might help you plan. “Intergenerational Summer Vacations” contains more helpful destination ideas.
Sending you and your mom best wishes for a great vacation!
Kind regards,
Donna
by Shelley | Jul 2, 2024 | Dear Donna
Dear Donna:
I’m hoping you can help me determine what type of care might be most beneficial for my mother. My dad passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. During his final years, she was very busy caring for him and had little time for herself. Now that he is gone, she doesn’t seem interested in reconnecting with friends and family. She’s also lost weight and experienced a few falls.
Her primary care physician thinks it’s just part of the grieving process. As her daughter, I think there is more to it. She and I have discussed how lonely she feels, and I’m pretty sure she is willing to consider moving to a senior living community. I started doing some research. However, I can’t figure out the difference between independent and assisted living or which one might be the best fit for my mom.
Can you help clarify what these types of care entail?
Sincerely,
Beth in Saginaw, MI
Independent Living Versus Assisted Living
Dear Beth:
Great question! I can definitely help explain a few similarities and differences between these two popular types of senior living.
Let’s start with independent living. These communities are often a good fit for seniors seeking freedom from the burdens of homeownership and/or an opportunity to be more social. Because housekeeping tasks and maintenance chores are handled by staff, residents have more time to pursue their interests.
These communities often plan and host travel groups, life-enrichment activities, continuing education classes, and wellness programs. They also make it easy for residents to connect with volunteer opportunities on-campus or in the local area. Some additional benefits include:
- Healthy meals: Cooking for one can seem like too much work for many single seniors. It can lead to a reliance on unhealthy convenience foods or skipping meals entirely. In an independent living community, chef-inspired meals are usually included.
- Wellness: Staying active and engaged is easier for residents because a variety of physical activities are offered each day. These often include walking groups, yoga, Zumba, weight training, stretching classes, and workouts in an on-site fitness center.
- Friendships: As you mentioned, adults who live alone often feel isolated and lonely. With a move to an independent living community, a resident usually expands their circle of friends. Residents have a chance to meet new people through both formal and informal gatherings.
- Transportation: While these services vary by community, most have either on-site transportation staff or team members who can help coordinate transportation needs. That’s a helpful service for adults who’ve limited or given up driving.
The Benefits of Assisted Living
In addition to the benefits outlined above, assisted living communities offer residents a helping hand to live their most independent life. By providing support with the activities of daily living (e.g., grooming, bathing, and medication management), the staff at these communities helps protect resident health and safety.
Common services found in assisted living communities include:
- Support with personal care, such as bathing, grooming, and dressing
- Assistance with toileting and continence care needs
- Medication management
- Housekeeping, laundry, trash removal, and maintenance
It’s important to note that an assisted living community isn’t the same as a nursing home. Assisted living residents need help with personal care and daily tasks, while those in a nursing home usually have more complex medical needs. In a nursing home, skilled care is typically delivered by nurses, physical therapists, and other medical professionals.
I hope this gives you a better understanding of the basics of independent and assisted living, Beth! Please call a Heritage community near you if you have any questions or would like to schedule a private tour for you and your mom.
Kind regards,
Donna
